you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
