god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
