Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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