just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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