ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
