when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
