I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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