I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
