dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
