i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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