She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Randomize
