As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
