well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
