my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Randomize
