i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize