Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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