you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
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i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
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They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
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