my mouth tastes like poor choices
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
How does one acquire holy water?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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