pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
