When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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