My nipple is on Facebook.
I puked a lego.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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