Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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