he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
