Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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