And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
