the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
