I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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