i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
