Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
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Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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