just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
