I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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