I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
