remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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