all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
