Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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