your thong is hanging out like whoa
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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