I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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