i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
