News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
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Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
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I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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