I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
