Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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