words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
