I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I skipped work to stalk him.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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