She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
