that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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