i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
