The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
