Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
