My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
lets start a swedish sibling band together
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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