I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
