I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
operation harelip BJ is a go
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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