I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
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Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
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Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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