What a fucking waste of an outfit
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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