whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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