Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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