My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
